Tag: anxiety

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Courage

Melodies of Light2 Comments

I didn’t know I wanted to write a song about mental health. Until I started writing, and this is what I wanted to talk about. 100 days of songwriting (a website with gentle encouragement for consistent songwriting practice) has helped me stay with it to see what would happen, where it would go.

This song really shares some things from my mental health journey the past 5 years or so. I had a mental breakdown in 2021 and since then have been diagnosed with OCD and PTSD. The messages in this song are encouragements to those going through similar things, as well as helpful tidbits from my experience. As I learned about OCD, the image of a “stinky uncle” coming in and taking off his socks, and sitting in my living room easy chair was a really helpful visual. I couldn’t kick him out, I couldn’t make him be quiet, but I could choose to continue on with what I was doing and not allow him to ruin my day, week, life… (verse 2).

I think the pre-chorus was important to me because so many people talk about just not paying attention to the fear you feel, but the problem is that the fear is an alarm system going off in your mind and body. It’s no less real than what you’d feel if a bear was chasing you- it’s a different kind of “danger.” And it sucks!

“You’ll find answers inside of you” and “Courage” was a lot about the journey I had to go on to discover my internal strength. No one could feed me the right answers- I had to dig deep inside to find my way. It was only as I learned to talk to myself in encouraging ways, and stood up for myself internally that I started being able to find my footing. That’s not to say that external resources and people had no value- I benefitted greatly from others and other sources. But a big missing piece for me was the internal part- and that’s the part I really needed to develop.

And finally, my favorite line: “Those he’s not your favorite visitor, ask what fear came to say.” I had to learn to sit with fear and hear “him” out. Not freak out that he came, not shove him under the rug, but accept that fear had a message for me- and listening didn’t mean I was giving in to it or that I didn’t have faith- it meant I could step back and decide what to do with that message.

Here is what I came up with: (recording below)

Courage

Alarms go off, am I safe?

Usually I’m outta here, like the start of a race.

Today I pause, take a breath, turning ’round to face the foe that is all in my head.

It’s not less real- this fear I feel. It’s a diff’rent kind of danger I must face!

Chorus:

Courage facing the shadows!

Courage! You’ve got what it takes!

Though he’s not your favorite visitor, ask what fear came to say.

Dig deep inside and find courage! when you feel weakest.

Courage! You’ll find a way through.

Look for answers inside of you.

The darkness came. Didn’t knock. Settled in my living room and he took off his socks.

Perhaps he’ll go. Maybe not. Somehow I must live this day with my stomach in knots.

It’s not less real- this fear I feel. It’s a diff’rent kind of danger I must face!

Chorus

Hold on to hope. Take one step. Healing will come gradually, and not without help.

Accept your path. When its tough, do what lies within your power, and know it’s enough.

It’s not less real. This fear you feel. It’s a different kind of danger you must face!

Chorus

There are answers.

You’ll find answers inside of you!

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Webinar tomorrow- my mental/emotional/physical health journey over the past decade

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Hello friends! I am going to be on a webinar tomorrow, telling my story about my journey of mental, emotional and physical health over the last decade. If you’d like to join us, click on the link below. 7pst tomorrow night.

From my sister, Emily Shill of Shillmed:

“For anyone who knows and loves my sister Laura, she has graciously agreed to be my guest speaker on our webinar tomorrow night (7 pm). Our topic this month is self-care, and she has agreed to share her amazing story of overcoming significant health challenges, and achieving her best possible mental, emotional and physical health. I’ve already read her outline and she has some amazing insights to share. We would love for friends to join us!”

https://ottoshill.webinarninja.com/series-webinars/6000/register?in_tok=b40f4cab-6a28-4df0-9513-b19daa5c423d&wid=10610348&fbclid=IwY2xjawEqYbdleHRuA2FlbQIxMAABHdniJAU8MZzHPDRAZBwGki2tK4RQ2aOOt_VorEK8jMlrxhAk5Sf_fIwQlw_aem_p_Xse20J0bez2DlKtXveAQ
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Feel your feelings…

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A few days ago I texted a friend who I found out later was having a really rough day. I shared with her these two quotes that had stuck with me recently.

Suffering is a gap. Like a wedge. It’s the gap between the world you want and the world you got. (Quoted by Stephanie Ingram, found on instagram.)

Just because you’re sad doesn’t mean you’re not grateful and you’re not hopeful…Sadness and grief and mourning and lamenting and crying and screaming and being angry- these are ways we honor what was lost…Sadness is the soul’s way of saying “THIS MATTERED!” I think grieving and feeling all the emotions you feel…I think its a holy work. And its scary to go down those dark roads but those feelings don’t leave you. You have to feel it. You can’t fake the rest of your life like nothing bad happened and whistle a happy tune all day. That’s not what it is to be human…You don’t have to feel guilty about. being sad…I used to believe if I was sad, it meant I wasn’t fighting hard enough or I wasn’t grateful enough, and that’s not true. Be sad and be grateful. And look at the twinkly lights and feel your feelings. It’s all real. The joy and the pain are all real and you don’t have to pick one or the other; life is beautiful or life is garbage. It’s kinda both sometimes. ~Nightbirde

I wonder why as people of faith we often think that grieving, sadness, and anger are not ok, when it’s part of our human experience. I have spent a year learning to feel my feelings- all the ones I wasn’t willing to acknowledge and let my gut feel instead. I’ve learned that it’s healthy to grieve when we have lost something or someone we love. It is healthy to cry, and to even acknowledge our anger. Those things are not incompatible with faith. I used to think it was unrighteous to yell at God, and then I did it. But I think He could handle it. I was telling him exactly how I felt and He listened to me. And then he helped me find my way through the anger to a more soothing place. I thought I shouldn’t feel so much fear because I was a woman of faith so I tried to push is down and ignore it…and yet it took me a long time to realize that God is the one who can help me overcome fear so acknowledging the fear is a big part of moving past it and overcoming it. I think we sometimes think God expects us to be more than human- and he does…eventually. But today I am VERY human- and I’m pretty darn sure that He knows that, and that all He expects of me is one small step today. And even if I trip doing that, or get stuck, or fall, or paralyzed or any number of things, He’ll still help me with the next part. And the next. He loves me no matter what, and is so merciful and compassionate- way more than I can possibly understand. His love is never-ending for me…and you.

Love,

Laur

Music

Emerge: The Story

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eberhard-grossgasteiger-469656-unsplash

(Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Unsplash)

Mmm- I just love this photo.  It visually describes everything about my newly posted piece, Emerge.

Right now my life seems pretty easy.  Rewind a few years and my life was much different:  it was a time when I had 3 adorable little people that needed a lot of me (physically and otherwise), I was dealing with major health issues, I was tired all the time, and I was also dealing with pretty intense anxiety on a daily basis (partially because I had a child who was struggling).  It wasn’t that my life was horrible- I love being a mom, my husband is an amazing support, and I still say that we soaked up as much joy from that stage as possible; but compared to everything else I’d experienced in life, this was by far the hardest and lasted the longest.

I joked during that time that I felt like I was 30 going on 50 (maybe I’ll change my tune when I experience 50!) and I wondered if I would ever feel back to “normal”- whatever that meant.  The anxiety was particularly troubling to me- it felt as though my thoughts and emotions were often so much heavier and darker than I wanted them to be, but at the time I really didn’t know how to do change that.  I longed for more peace which had seemed much more accessible before.

I prayed to be rescued from the dense fog I found myself stuck in.  Though Heavenly Father didn’t send immediate all-in-one solutions like I wanted Him to, He did send help- gradually.  He sent bite-sized pieces so not only could I be cured, but I could grow through the process of healing.  I look back and see how he placed people, books, and other things in my path so that a step at a time, I learned how to deal with the anxiety in constructive ways.  I also had moments of feeling overwhelming love, peace or contentment; a sense that Heavenly Father was aware of my needs, and would continue to guide and help me.  The kids grew and became a little more independent and my health improved over several months (partly because the baby started sleeping through the night-hallelujah!)- I held on to faith and hope before, but now I could actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was during this time that I began to experiment with writing music-not as a creative outlet, but as an emotional outlet.  I started playing around on the piano, attempting to express the way I felt through the music.  What could I “say”?  This was the result of that exploration.  Hind-sight is a funny thing: though I’d never sign up for a repeat course through the fog, I also wouldn’t trade what I learned from it for anything.  So without any more words, here is “Emerge”!

Emerge