This is my newly-finished song called “The Willow is Weeping.”
I read a poem by JRR Tolkien a few months ago that spoke to my heart (“All that is gold does not glitter”) and I decided to write music to it. Then, because Tolkien’s estate makes getting copyright permission nearly impossible, I decided to replace the original words with my own. It didn’t take me long to decide what this song would be about. The week I was trying to decide on a topic so I could begin the lyric-writing process, I had a conversation with a gentleman at a church party. He spoke of losing his father this past summer and the waves of grief he is currently experiencing. Before we left, he expressed hope that brighter days lay ahead- days where the weight of grief will ease. I went home determined to write this song about grief.
It didn’t take me long to develop the lyrics, pulling from my own experiences, as well as family members and friends who have lost loved ones. I wanted an analogy that helped me talk about grief, and the willow tree seemed like just the thing. I soon developed the verses to shift through the seasons, and loved phrases like “under the ground something’s yawning” and “the numb and the frozen are thawing.”
Enjoy!
(This is a link to youtube where you can see pictures of willow trees as the music plays.)
Years ago, I had the awesome opportunity to go to EFY in Provo at BYU. One of the classes was taught by Brad Wilcox who now is a General Authority in our church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). After his awesome class, I asked if I could take a picture with him and he (of course!) answered enthusiastically, “Yes!” I still have that picture, and feel especially excited when he speaks in General Conference.
Last fall, he gave a talk entitled “O Youth of the Noble Birthright.” It was a wonderful and inspiring talk, helping young Latter-day Saints understand their “Birthright” – their promised blessings and responsibilities from a loving Heavenly Father. I have 3 boys in those teen and pre-teen years and I thought it would be neat to put this message into a song to help them remember it.
Here is my expression of Brother Wilcox’s message in song. This is called, “Not an Ordinary Passenger.”
I didn’t know I wanted to write a song about mental health. Until I started writing, and this is what I wanted to talk about. 100 days of songwriting (a website with gentle encouragement for consistent songwriting practice) has helped me stay with it to see what would happen, where it would go.
This song really shares some things from my mental health journey the past 5 years or so. I had a mental breakdown in 2021 and since then have been diagnosed with OCD and PTSD. The messages in this song are encouragements to those going through similar things, as well as helpful tidbits from my experience. As I learned about OCD, the image of a “stinky uncle” coming in and taking off his socks, and sitting in my living room easy chair was a really helpful visual. I couldn’t kick him out, I couldn’t make him be quiet, but I could choose to continue on with what I was doing and not allow him to ruin my day, week, life… (verse 2).
I think the pre-chorus was important to me because so many people talk about just not paying attention to the fear you feel, but the problem is that the fear is an alarm system going off in your mind and body. It’s no less real than what you’d feel if a bear was chasing you- it’s a different kind of “danger.” And it sucks!
“You’ll find answers inside of you” and “Courage” was a lot about the journey I had to go on to discover my internal strength. No one could feed me the right answers- I had to dig deep inside to find my way. It was only as I learned to talk to myself in encouraging ways, and stood up for myself internally that I started being able to find my footing. That’s not to say that external resources and people had no value- I benefitted greatly from others and other sources. But a big missing piece for me was the internal part- and that’s the part I really needed to develop.
And finally, my favorite line: “Those he’s not your favorite visitor, ask what fear came to say.” I had to learn to sit with fear and hear “him” out. Not freak out that he came, not shove him under the rug, but accept that fear had a message for me- and listening didn’t mean I was giving in to it or that I didn’t have faith- it meant I could step back and decide what to do with that message.
Here is what I came up with: (recording below)
Courage
Alarms go off, am I safe?
Usually I’m outta here, like the start of a race.
Today I pause, take a breath, turning ’round to face the foe that is all in my head.
It’s not less real- this fear I feel. It’s a diff’rent kind of danger I must face!
Chorus:
Courage facing the shadows!
Courage! You’ve got what it takes!
Though he’s not your favorite visitor, ask what fear came to say.
Dig deep inside and find courage! when you feel weakest.
Courage! You’ll find a way through.
Look for answers inside of you.
The darkness came. Didn’t knock. Settled in my living room and he took off his socks.
Perhaps he’ll go. Maybe not. Somehow I must live this day with my stomach in knots.
It’s not less real- this fear I feel. It’s a diff’rent kind of danger I must face!
Chorus
Hold on to hope. Take one step. Healing will come gradually, and not without help.
Accept your path. When its tough, do what lies within your power, and know it’s enough.
It’s not less real. This fear you feel. It’s a different kind of danger you must face!
Hello friends! I am going to be on a webinar tomorrow, telling my story about my journey of mental, emotional and physical health over the last decade. If you’d like to join us, click on the link below. 7pst tomorrow night.
From my sister, Emily Shill of Shillmed:
“For anyone who knows and loves my sister Laura, she has graciously agreed to be my guest speaker on our webinar tomorrow night (7 pm). Our topic this month is self-care, and she has agreed to share her amazing story of overcoming significant health challenges, and achieving her best possible mental, emotional and physical health. I’ve already read her outline and she has some amazing insights to share. We would love for friends to join us!”
Some of you know that 2021 was a really hard year for me. February brought pain like I’d never experienced- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. I had surgery pain from a hysterectomy, and a combination of the rest from a mental breakdown. Healing from those experiences has been a very challenging journey- and I still have some effects that I continue to work through. I am so grateful for how far I’ve come, and for the transformative affect it has had on my life.
The Carpenter in this song is my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have come to know his kind, gentle, steady hands better as He has guided me through my healing process. I love Him and I trust Him.
I love the thought I’ve heard various times that when we experience suffering, we have experienced a small taste of what our Savior experienced suffering for all of us, and therefore have a unique ability to succor (or run to) others who are suffering. It is partially with this intent that I share my song with you. Perhaps it can reach someone whose heart is aching and needs extra hope and comfort. If there’s two things I’ve learned it’s these: God never leaves us alone, and He ALWAYS makes beauty from ashes.
Love
Laura
(Composing, Arranging, Recording, Mixing and Mastering by Laura Harper)
MELODIES OF LIGHT 