life – MELODIES OF LIGHT

Hello friends!! I’m proud of myself tonight- I’m here because I committed to myself that I would be. And I followed through!

This piece of music means a lot to me, and I am excited to share it with you.

Somewhere around the beginning of the year, I started working on “Let Her Fly.” I was reflecting on my relationship with my parents and specifically drew from experiences from my childhood like walking up the hill behind our white farm house to find the first buttercups in the Spring (verse 1) and a moment my Mom remembers watching me walk up toward campus and feeling that “she’ll be okay” (verse 3). I thought about the process of letting an adult fully have the opportunity to spread their wings and fly- and the gradual letting go that a parent does over many years (though a mother and father will never fully grow out of their role and I’m grateful for many times my parents have stepped in for a period to help more intensely after letting me fly initially!).

After writing over half of this song, in the middle of preparing my oldest son to leave home, I realized that I was now writing this song about my relationship with my son and was processing the letting go that I was currently experiencing. Wow the power of music to help us through challenging, new experiences! Suddenly instead of the little girls I write about in verse 1, I was picturing little boys (I have 3!) and memories would drift through my mind (and sometimes tears) as I sang to myself about letting go…letting him go…(You’ll notice I decided to keep it “Let Her Fly” – since that’s how I started it and it felt too complicated to change it!).

Eventually it was time to say goodbye to my son who was ready to leave home. There at the airport, standing with the suitcases in a moment by myself, I considered what I wanted to say in our final moments before he walked off into the distance- what one last thing he would hear from me (for now!). I immediately knew what I wanted to say and the tears came to the surface quickly. How silly of me to think I might not cry! A minute later in that last big hug, I told him, “I guess all that’s left to say is ‘I love you’ and ‘you’re so ready for this.'”

The last part of the song is tender for me to listen back to. I worked on the vocals after my son left, and it gave me a chance to process, especially in this bridge section: “I’ll always be here, loving you so- loving you enough to let you go…” And then the final chorus starts. The timid, shaky vocals here represent the Mother (me! but also any of you who have experienced this!) feeling the pain of the separation. Even though she knows it’s the very best thing for this child and she’s SO happy for him, the separation from this boy she loves is painful! As the chorus continues, she gains momentum and strength. He can do this. I can do this. He- and I- will be okay. I can let him fly.

Enjoy!

A special thanks to my amazing piano arranger and pianist (you are hearing her playing the piano in the recording!), Shari Orme!

Lyrics, Composition, Vocals, String arrangement, Recording, Mixing and Mastering by Laura Harper

Maybe the last Friday of the month will be random thought Friday. We’ll see. For today, let’s see where this goes…

On my heart: “God meant it for good.” This is in Genesis (the Bible) where it talks about Joseph who was sold into Egypt. All the challenges Joseph went through were difficult for him, but the summary of the story in some ways is that one line- God meant it for good. All the bad stuff? It was leading to all the good stuff. Suddenly the entire land is in famine and he is in a position to help his family and many, many others. He was able to experience SO. MUCH. GOOD. – not despite the bad things he experienced, but because they led him to the good things. Fascinating. Is there something in your life that’s been really hard? Is it possible that “God meant it for good” in your life? My experience tells me if it’s true for Joseph and I, it must be true for you too.

On my counter: 6 zucchini and many cups of rhubarb. My garden is still giving and I’m loving it! Tomorrow I’ll be canning strawberry rhubarb jam (YUM!!). I’ve already frozen many bags of garden tomatoes, zucchini, etc, and done one batch of salsa. I think after the jam I’m going to make some fruit leather and maybe some applesauce! What fun!

On my playlist: 2 songs have been on my mind this week. One is a song that (I forgot) my mom introduced me to the month that I got engaged. It really was a turning point for me in deciding to marry my sweetheart. It had the sweetest message, talking about how I will be there for you in whatever situation, emotion, or struggle you may be in over the years- I want to be that person for you. My Mom recently reminded me of my experience hearing it for the first time and I thought it would be fun to share here!

Also, I have been listening to a Nichole Nordeman song (sung by Nathan Pacheco) that has been instrumental in helping me process a child leaving home. What a weird experience this has been. I am so SO proud of my oldest spreading his wings and doing wonderful things in the world. There’s nowhere else I’d rather him be right now. The joy and excitement I feel from his successful launch and wonderful experiences so far are incredible and sweet. Also, there are moments that it feels like the more independent he becomes, that my heart is gradually ripping out of it’s place. Can your heart bleed from emotion? It sure feels like it sometimes. It hurts. I find myself glowing in his growth and having a hard time shutting up when someone asks about him (I have to tell you all the great stories and brag on him endlessly!). I also have been grieving – waves of emotion well up from so deep inside of me that it can feel like I’m about to throw up. The feelings overflow into tears, or sometimes make me feel jittery or like I need to curl up in a ball. It’s hard to find words to express what I feel and I find myself reaching for something to help me feel better. Sometimes that’s music. Sometimes it’s a hug or someone to cry with. Sometimes it’s chocolate. Lots of chocolate :). I’m grateful for many good friends and a wonderful family that have been a huge support as well as a place to brag anytime I want to. Overall? I’m functioning just fine (don’t worry, I don’t spend most of my time curled up on my living room floor crying…) but the waves of emotion are as challenging as the highs are wonderful. I’ve been told that’s how it goes with your first leaving home. And I’m sure I’ll survive. For now this song has been helpful in processing the feelings. And if you ask about my boy you’ll probable get an earful. He’s doing wonderfully, and we are so proud of him.